Nothing you put in a banana split is as fattening as a spoon.

Nymphomaniac : a girl who trips you up and is under you before you hit the floor.

Objectivity is in the eyes of the beholder.

OK, so I'm cured of schizophrenia, but where am I now when I need me?

Old doctors never die.  They just lose their patients.

Old fishermen never die.  They just smell that way.

Old genealogists never die.  They just lose their census.

Old informers never die.  They're just put out to grass.

Old lawyers never die.  They just lose their appeal.

Old plumbers never die.  They just go down the drain.

Old professors never die. They just lose their faculties.

Old teachers never die.  They just lose their class.

One-legged girls are a pushover.

One of the advantages of being disorderly is that you're always making exciting discoveries.

One of the times when silence annoys is when the car engine won't start.

One of these days is none of these days.

One thing men can't understand about women is how well women understand men.

Only a life lived for others is a life worthwhile.

Only a mediocre person is always at his best.

Only the guy who isn't rowing has time to rock the boat.

Only the young die good.

Our characters are the result of our conduct. - Aristotle

Our customer's paper work is profit.  Our own paper work is loss.

Owing to lack of interest tomorrow has been cancelled.

Paradox: a truth standing on its head to attract attention.

Peace cannot be kept by force, it can only be kept by understanding. - Albert Einstein

Pedants rule, Ok - or, more accurately, exhibit certain of the trappings of traditional leadership.

People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.

Perforation is a rip-off.

Persuasion rules OK - just this once?

Pigeonholing is interesting only for pigeons.

Please don't throw your cigarette butts on the floor, the cockroaches are getting cancer.

Politics is the art of making it sound as if Father Christmas comes earlier in the year.

Power corrupts - absolute power is even more fun.

Predestination was doomed to failure from the start.

Prepare to meet thy God.  ( Evening dress optional )

Procrastinate now!

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

Procrastination will rule one day, O.K. ?

Progress is like a wheelbarrow - if you don't keep pushing it stops.

Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.

Pseudo-intellectual: one who knows what "pseudo" means.

Psychologists say people with hobbies are not likely to go crazy - but this doesn't apply to the people they live with.

Psychology: getting habits out of a rat.

Quasimodo - that name rings a bell.

Queen Elizabeth rules UK.

Racial prejudice: a pigment of the imagination.

Real Programmers are always surprised when their car odometer doesn't turn immediately from 47777 to 50000.

Reality is for people who can't cope with drugs.

Recursion is like a bureaucracy: a bureaucrat does one small part of the job, and then passes it on to an exact copy of himself...

Recursion: see Recursion.

Remember that opportunity is a dare - not a door.

Relief map: a set of directions showing how to get to the nearest outhouse.

Religion is man's attempt to communicate with the weather.

Remorse is the period between one hangover and another.

Research is an organised method for keeping you reasonably dissatisfied with what you have.

Reunite Gondwanaland!

Richard the Lion-Heart is alive and well and asking Christian Barnard for his money back.

Roget's Thesaurus dominates, regulates, rules, OK, all right, adequately.

Rooner spules, OK.

Rugby is a game played by gentlemen with odd shaped balls.

Rush hour: that hour when the traffic is almost at a standstill.

Safecracker - one without tuna on it.

Safeguard your health.  Don't sleep with any damp women.

Save energy - be apathetic.

Save trees - eat a beaver.

Say it with flowers.  Give her a triffid.

Sceptics, may or may not rule, O.K.

Schizophrenia rules, OK, OK.

Scientists have reduced the number of calamities we can blame on God.

Self-made men can be glaring examples of unskilled labour.

Sign on Antique Shop : Come in and buy what your grandmother threw away.

Silence is better than unmeaning words.

Silence is not always golden; sometimes it is yellow.

Smart people speak from experience. Smarter people, from experience, don't speak.

Snobbery is the pride of those who are not sure of their position.

Snow White thought 7-up was a soft drink until she discovered Smirnoff.

Solicitor : A lady barrister without her briefs.

Some day my ship will come in, and with my luck I'll be at the airport.

Some days the only good things on TV are the vase and clock.

Some folks are wise, and some are otherwise.

Some men's heads are as easily blown away as their hats.

Some people are like blisters: they never appear until the work is done.

Sometimes the message has to be blunt so you will see the point.

Spanish punks rule, ole!

Specimen: an Italian astronaut.

Stamp out quicksand.

Standing on your dignity is a very insecure footing.

Statesmen tell you what is true even though it may be unpopular. Politicians will tell you what is popular, even though it may be untrue.

Sterility is hereditary.

STOP PRESS : Archduke Franz Ferdinand found alive.  First World War a mistake.

Stop the world, I want to get off.

Streakers beware - your end is in sight.

Success has ruined many a good man.

Sudden prayers make God jump.

Suicide is the sincerest form of self-criticism.

Support your local taxidermist.  Get stuffed.

Suppose they gave a war and nobody came?

Sycophancy rules - if it's OK by you.

Synonyms govern, all right.

Television: a medium.  So called because it is neither rare nor well done.

Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a seat has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure.

Tell the truth, and so puzzle and confound your adversaries.

Thank God I'm an atheist.

The absent are never without fault, nor the present without excuse.

The amateur is the one with all the answers.

The amount of sleep needed by the average person is ten minutes more.

The art of being wise is the art of knowing what to overlook.

The average woman talks 50 per cent more than her husband listens.

The Basic Law of Budgets:  You can only spend it once.

The best-laid plans of mice and men are in the files SOMEWHERE.

The best things in life are duty free.

The big thing today is computer dating. If you don't know how to run a computer it really dates you.

The camel is a horse designed by a committee.

The cops are ALWAYS around when you DON'T want them.

The day will happen whether or not you get up.

The days of good English has went.

The decision is maybe and that's final.

The difference between a used car salesman and a computer salesman is that the used car salesman knows when he's telling lies.

The easiest way to stay awake during an after-dinner speech is to deliver it.

The end of the world is nigh! Repent, and return those library books immediately!

The ends justify the jeans.

The evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening' - and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

The existence of a market does not guarantee the existence of a customer.

The fundamental solvency of a company is inversely proportional to the opulency of its head office.

The fundamental problem of representative government is that the people who would be best for the job least want it, and vice versa.

The golden age never was the present age.

The Golden Rule:  He who has the gold, makes the rules.

The government claims it's following the will of the people. I didn't even know we'd died!

The grass is always greener on the other fellow's grave.

The grass is always greener over the septic tank.

The grass is brown on both sides of the fence.

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

The hangman let us down.

The jest loses its point when he who makes it is the first to laugh.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.

The kids who don't believe in Santa Claus are the ones who grow up and play the horses.

The Liberal Party is the cream of society: thick and rich and full of clots.

The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of an oncoming train.

The long weekend was created because it's impossible to cram all the bad weather into two days.

The longest day soon comes to an end.

The postman bringeth and the garbo taketh away.

The main purpose of children's parties is to remind you that there are children more awful than your own.

The man who lives in the past, robs the present.

The money saved for a rainy day now buys a smaller umbrella.

The most difficult thing is to know how to do a thing and to watch someone else doing it wrong, without commenting.

The most gratifying feature about death is that you won't have to get up in the morning.

The nice thing about being a celebrity is that when you bore people they think it's their fault. - Henry Kissinger

The nice thing about standards is that there are so many to choose from.

The only good government is a bad one in a hell of a fright.

The only job where you start at the top is digging a hole.

The only people who never fail are those who never try.

The only thing I ever learned from experience was that I'd just made another mistake.

The only thing most people do better than anyone else is read their own handwriting.

The only thing wrong with doing nothing is you never know when you're finished.

The only way to make something completely foolproof is to keep it away from fools.

The organization of any bureaucracy is very much like a septic tank - the really big chunks always rise to the top.

The other queue always moves faster.

The price of justice is eternal publicity.

The problem with government is it scratches where there ain't no itch.

The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.

The right to be left alone is indeed the beginning of all freedom.

The rising tide lifts all the boats.

The secret of being a bore is to tell everybody.

The shortest distance between two points depends on who is giving the directions.

The shortest distance between two points is under repair.

The shortest perceivable length of time is the period between the light turning green and the taxi driver behind you honking his horn.

The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem.

The squeaky wheel doesn't always get the oil. Sometimes it gets replaced.

The statesman shears the sheep, the politician skins them.

The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him.

The trouble with learning from experience is that the test comes first and the lesson afterwards.

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.

The trouble with political jokes is they get elected.

The upper crust are just a bunch of crumbs sticking together.

The urgent always crowds out the important.

The welfare of the people is the ultimate law.

The writing on the wall usually means there's at least one small child in the family.

They can conquer who believe they can.

They think I'm paranoid. They all talk about it behind my back.

There are more horses' arses in this world than there are horses.

There are no uninteresting things, only uninterested people.

There are three sides to every argument: your side, my side and the right side.

There are three sorts of people:
those who make things happen,
those who watch things happen,
and those who never knew what hit them.

There are two classes of people:
those who divide people into two classes,
and those who don't.

There is a theory which states that if anyone ever gets to understand the universe and  how it works it will immediately be replaced by something even more bizarre and  mysterious. - There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

There is always one more bug.

There is just one thing I can promise you about the space program; your taxes will go further. - Werner von Braun

There never was a good war or a bad peace.

There's one thing about baldness: it's neat.

These pills can't be habit-forming; I've been taking them for years.

They say garbage can be made into fuel. Why not? It's already being made into movies, books and TV shows.

Those who aspire to a place in the sun must expect blisters.

Those who can, do.  Those who can't, teach.

Those who think money will do everything may well be suspected of doing everything for money.

Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.

To be rich is not the end, but only a change of worries.

To be wise and love Exceeds Man's might - Shakespeare, Troilus and Cressida

To do anything worthwhile you have to push limits.

To do nothing is the way to be nothing.

To err is human.  To forgive is not library policy.

To err is human.  To really foul things up requires a computer.

To escape criticism - do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.

To get a loan from a bank you have to first prove that you don't need one.

To know where you can find a thing is the chief part of learning.

Tolkien is Hobbit-forming.

Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxi cabs and cutting hair.

Too much of a good thing is wonderful.

Town planners do it with their eyes shut.

Two people in every one who works for the ABC is schizophrenic.

Universal peace sounds ridiculous to the head of an average family.

Utopia: 1987 wages, 1932 prices, 1910 taxes.

Vampires are a pain in the neck.

VD is nothing to clap about.

Vote Anarchist.

Waterbeds are cuuting down the incidence of adultery - ever tried to crawl under one?

WATERSHIP DOWN - You've read the book, you've seen the film; Now, eat the pie!

What after all is a halo?  It's only one more thing to keep clean.

We all are born mad.  Some remain so.....

We are cold to others only when we are dull in ourselves.

We can't do everything at once, but we can do something at once.

We live behind our faces, while they front for us.

We must believe in luck, for how else can we explain the success of those we don't like?

We should take sex off the TV and movie screens and put it back in the back seats of cars
where it belongs.

We think our fathers fools, so wise we grow; Our wiser sons, no doubt, will think us so. - Pope

Wear the old coat and buy the new book.

What is a weed?  A plant whose virtues have not yet been discovered.

What is moral is what you feel good after.

What is this life if, full of care, we have no time to stand and stare?.

What some people need is a kick in their can't.

What the world needs is more geniuses with humility -there are so few of us left.

What this country needs is someone who knows what this country needs.

What's apathy?  I don't know, and I don't care.

When all else fails, read the documentation.

When did a lawyer ever file a brief that was?

When I did well, I heard it never. When I did ill, I heard it ever.

When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.

Where there's a swill there's a sway.

Where there's a will there are five hundred relatives.

Why be disagreeable, when with a little effort you can be impossible?

Why does a dentist ask you if it hurts only when you can't answer?

Why is it that political leaders don't seem to have all the answers until they write their memoirs?

Why is the King of Hearts the only one without a moustache?

Why should we do anything for Posterity? What's the bugger ever done for us?

William Tell, Jr. had headaches.

Willpower is the ability to eat ONE salted peanut.

Wine does not intoxicate men; men intoxicate themselves.

Wisdom is not knowing what to do now, but what to do next.

Women over thirty are at their best, but men over thirty are too old to recognise it.

Women who seek equality with men lack ambition.

Women's libbers should be put behind bras.

Work expands to fit the time available for its completion.

Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.

Wurlitzer one for the money, two for the show.

Xerox invents it, Apple commercialises it, and I.B.M. makes money out of it.

Yesterday an egg, tomorrow a feather duster!

Yesterday I couldn't spell "computer programmer".  Now I are one.

Yorick is a numb skull.

You are never alone with a clone.

You are only what you are when no one is looking.

You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on his back you have something.

You can be sure you're getting old when you forget the name you wanted to drop.

You can fool some of the people all the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can't fool all the people all the time.

You cannot strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.

You can't buy happiness - but at least if you have money you can be miserable in comfort.

You can't tell a book by its movie.

You can't think rationally on an empty stomach, and a whole lot of people can't do it on a full one either.

You know your son is growing up when he looks at a girl the way he used to look at chocolate cake.